Blinding ‘love’ leads to emotional trauma


By Jessica Suico, Advocate Staff

In any successful relationship, friendship or marriage, three key ingredients are needed to prosper: trust, respect and love.

When I was 15 years old I was blinded by love, totally immersed in the idea of having my first real boyfriend.

We both came from a past of family abuse. In my house the abuse was mental and his was both mental and physical. We both entered the relationship controlled by the anger we had hidden inside of us for so many years. We were too young to even think about it or realize what was wrong with us.

The beginning of the relationship was happy and loving, I had hope we could last. About six months into it we were comfortable with each other and knew a lot about each other’s families’ pasts and problems.

Instead of us coming together and being each other’s support system, we turned into the exact opposite.

It started with mental abuse, first with lying, then, giving each other the silent treatment. It soon led to us barely wanting to be around each other.

It escalated to verbal abuse, calling each other demeaning names with the purpose of making each other feel less than. Eventually, the abuse evolved into physical abuse and got to the point where we put hands on each other.

I was so blinded by the word love that I was putting myself through abuse and settling for less than what I deserved. There were many nights that I sat alone, wondering why I was looking for love that wasn’t even there.

I was putting myself through more pain than I was physically enduring.

Once I got out of the relationship when I was 16, I could focus on myself and get over the hurt.

I realized there was a reason I went through that experience. It was to make me the person I am today.

I have ambition, motivation and dedication for life. I now have passion and goals in life that I would like to accomplish.

I know my purpose in life and who I want to be and where I want to be in life.

That experience made me a stronger woman. It taught me to set boundaries and better regulate the people that I allow into it.

Three years later I still have work to do on myself, don’t get me wrong. But I’m definitely not the same person I was. I do believe I’ve changed for the better.

In my experience, people who have been abusive were either abused mentally or physically, or both, in their past or in their childhood by someone they love.

Abuse leaves people with a scarred heart and mind and some never seek help because they don’t realize that they need it.

In my relationship, arguments usually stemmed from me complaining about a completely legitimate problem with him saying I was crazy for pointing it out. Abusers will accuse you of doing things you aren’t doing. Sometimes, it’s things that they may be doing themselves.

Some relationships can begin so perfect, like a great job with a promising future and then deliver a complete nightmare. People use guilt, charm, hope, obligation, fear or confusion to get what they want in relationships.

I’ve seen people who have been mentally abused constantly apologize or hide their feelings in fear of upsetting their partner.

Breakdowns in communication during small disagreements lead to the pain of holding in feelings in anticipating an explosion if you speak your mind.

When you don’t get help for abuse, mental or physical, you will go on in life with so much hidden anger, you won’t know about until you project it onto someone else and hurt them too.

Jessica Suico is an Advocate Staff for The Advocate. Contact her at [email protected]